Breastfeeding for Dummies

Yes, that is a real book. And boy do I wish I had known about it about six months ago. Perhaps it would have helped. See, I figured that this nursing thing would be pretty simple. People have been doing it for years. Simply insert tab A into slot B. Be a breastaurant.* But nope, not so easy.

After Bug was born, I tried to nurse her as soon as I could, but she would have none of that. I tried and tried and tried. I called in the nurses. I called in the lactation consultants. But nothing doing. By the time I left the hospital, I would estimate that at least 10 different people had manhandled the bosoms in an effort to get the kid to eat. I have never been so groped in all of my life. The overnight nurses were way worse than the lactation consultants. There was one who was relentless in her quest to get Bug to eat straight from the tap. My little Bug, stubborn girl that she is (just like her mama) refused. The nurse just kept wrestling with Bug until I finally had to tell that nurse to piss off and stop making my baby scream. The goal was to feed the child and formula would have to do, at least until I could figure out whether breastfeeding would work for us.

Now seeing as how I was a buxom lass to begin with and the Titty Fairy that arrives during pregnancy came to visit a few times, I was determined to do this nursing thing. Since I had to carry the boobs around anyway, I figured I should put them to good use.

There were reasons why she didn't nurse in the hospital. It turns out, there was an issue with her frenulum -- the thing that attaches your tongue to the bottom of your mouth -- that prevented her from latching. So we had that fixed. Then there was a problem with the amount of milk that I had for her. I rented a breast pump from the hospital to try to get the milk flowing and started taking this herb called fenugreek to help increase production. Fenugreek doesn't taste all that great, even in capsule form, and apparently will make a person smell like maple syrup she sweats if she takes it enough. Thank god the smell thing didn't happen because I loathe maple syrup.

So here I am, a new mom who is feeding her child every three hours or so. Only it wasn't that simple. It meant mixing up formula with whatever breastmilk I had pumped, feeding Bug, putting her back to bed, then pumping for 20 minutes, then trying to fall asleep so I could maybe get in an hour before Bug woke up. Not exactly the best way to get some rest. I nearly gave up because it was so goddamn stressful. But as I said, I'm stubborn. I ultimately bought my own pump and I would be damned if I would spend $300 on the thing and then not get my money's worth. I passed the shopping test.** And it has worked. I was able make enough milk to bottle-feed Bug.

I was a breastaurant with a take out window.

And then one day, Bug miraculously learned how to latch. She still goes to the take out window when she's being stubborn. Or if it's too hot. Or if she's too lazy. Or if mama doesn't feel like yanking out the boobs in public.

It has all been worth it. She's healthy and she's growing and she's the cutest thing I have ever seen, so I really can't complain.

*Breastaurant was coined by a former coworker's husband and it just makes me giggle. When that coworker ended up getting braces, another coworker referred to her as a breastaurant with a grill.

** My mom came up with the shopping test. When making a purchase, you have to ask yourself will I get x dollars (the cost of the item) use out of it. If the answer is yes, then go ahead and buy it. If the answer is no, you are not allowed. It works pretty well, but does not apply to shiny goodies one might find at Tiffany.